Saturday, December 15, 2012

When Two Awfuls Mesh


If airports had ottomans, they'd be more tolerable. 

I seem to always be in airports, despite their ottoman-less characteristics. Today, I'm traveling to Michigan, and taking a wild goose chase in the process. I will never understand flight patterns, but mine is as follows--Omaha to Denver. Denver to Chicago. Chicago to Traverse City. (??)

Let's, for the moment, disregard any reasons why airports aren't fun and focus on just one "highlight of my trip." 

I wait at my Denver gate, crowded by too many people, equally as tired and equally as ready to not be in an airport anymore. I settle into a demon match of words with friends with my father as a shadow flutters past me. For a minute, I have no idea what happened. When it sinks in and my shifty vision begins to focus on that flutter, my stomach drops and I am instantly searching for a quick exit. 

If you haven't read any of my posts, now would be a good time to refer to episode 1. 

That's right, America. There is a freaking bird flying around me in the airport. "Is this a sign?" I think to myself. God is telling me to not get on the plane. Or that the world is really ending. Regardless, I head straight to the ticket counter to inform  someone of the absolute tragedy that is unfolding. The woman stares at me and doesn't say a word. She types something on her computer and mumbles an unforgiving thank you. Why is no one else concerned that this probably disease-ridden, peck weapon is flying so freely? 

A number of questions flood my mind. How did the bird get in the airport in the first place? Why has no one else disposed of it? And lastly, wtf?! I glance around for any enemies who may have planted the beast and resort to crouching in disgrace behind a large metal pole instead. 

That'll show him..

Another witness is nearby and says, "it's just a bird, ya know." I consider the options of a solid spartan kick and then realize how nuts I may seem. I could only force what probably came off as hysterical crazy person laughter with wild hand gestures. The man looks at me, quizzically, and, correctly, decides to walk away. 

Thankfully, in my defense, most people can assume lack of sleep and anxiety from being in an airport causes flight mental disorder (it's a thing). I will be using that as my ailment, as opposed to my out-of-body reaction to how f'n crazy I am about birds. 

That John Denver's full of shit, man. 

Thanks for soundin' down.

..........

catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/Ancient Greekκατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well.