Monday, March 11, 2013

Deepest Secrets Revealed

I am about to divulge one of my most valued secrets of late. The only reason is my upcoming move to California, knowing that being half way across the country will no longer allow me to continue my conniving skeleton in my closet. 

It all started last year, during springtime. A group of my friends and I were in downtown Omaha, bar hopping. We'd been out celebrating the most important day of the year to most, my birthday. After many drinks, disturbing, over-the-jukebox singing and playing "spin the shot wheel," the lights came on and Supersonic informed us of closing time. 

If you've ever been to downtown Omaha on a Saturday night after the bars close, getting a cab is about as easy as finding a ginger with a soul. You can even try calling hours ahead. No one will answer, and if they do, they put you on hold until you need them. 

Thankfully, Blake O'Brien happened to be celebrating my birthday with me. He, using his charm and unavoidable persuasive skills, convinced the driver of a hotel shuttle into taking our large party home. 

And so it began.

Every weekend, Meg and I head downtown, do whatever damage to our livers is called upon that evening, then call a hotel shuttle to take us home. 

This secret, however, takes acting and intricate skill. Upon making the initial phone call to that night's hotel of choice, it's important to play dumb as to your location.

"Um, I'm downtown?" you say as a question. "It's a one way street. Um, let me walk to a sign and see what it says," you continue. "I'm by a bar that is red?"

They always fill in the blank for you. "Roja?" To which you reply, "Yes! I think that's it."

You then wait the 10 minutes it takes for them to arrive and snicker at everyone waiting in the cold for a cab.

After a few rides, Meg and I learned it is important to have a back story as to why you're visiting Omaha. They always ask. Except that one time, which is an entire story in itself. I'll get to that later.

So here we are, two social workers from Utah, attending a conference at the University hospital, just getting a ride home to our hotel, after we've really enjoyed our stay here. The backstory is important. Be as vague as possible and make up small towns if need be. You don't want to get caught talking to someone who knows the area you're claiming to be from. Like Iowa--always ruining our plans. 

We walk into the hotel, claim to have left something in our vehicle, or head straight for the bar, and walk right out to our apartment. 

This trick, which has saved us hundred of dollars on cabs, has shamelessly worked, every time. It will be a sad day, when we will no longer have the luxury of lying to get things for free. Oh wait, it's called being a woman.

I now trust this secret to you. Use it wisely and with respect, as it has been perfected and passed down in the hopes of our legacy to ever haunt the cobblestone streets of Omaha. 

Thanks for soundin' down.


catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/Ancient Greekκατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well.