Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Bigger the Hand Gesture, the More Power

I've realized that a human's power can be fueled by many things; money, upbringing, brains, etc. I didn't realize, until recently, that power can also be fueled by an uncommon belief: hand gestures. And not just the flying bird one.

I stood in an alley behind the parking garage of my work building yesterday, feverishly dialing a number and pacing back and forth. There was a man in the Land Rover parking lot across the way who happened to see me and started watching.

After the other end of my phone call was answered, I used all my willpower to speak slowly and not scream. I continued to pace and crumple the sheets of papers in my hand from my angered fist.

I looked over and the audience of one had turned to two.

I've been having some problems with my cable service provider. It's been ongoing and has wasted hours of my life I will never get back. I won't tell you who they are, but they rhyme with Shmerizon. They. Are. Idiots.

This was now the 9th customer service representative I had spoken with, and I wasn't getting any nicer. I started to rant. I started to rave--not in the fun way. I used the "f" word a record number of times and my hand gestures went from flexing my fists to throwing my papers.

Needless to say, I was upset.

I was transferred to another representative and glanced at my viewership, which had grown to 6 in a matter of minutes. The phone call ended with a reference to a head stuck in a place where the sun doesn't shine in more vulgar terms and I had a small crowd watching me.

A jogger. A car salesmen. A 3rd floor apartment dweller. And a group of people from my office unloading boxes of printer paper from a car. Joy.

Fortunately, as I returned to my office, I encountered some of my bystanders. They politely nodded at me and left their gaze to the floor. It was at this point I realized they were scared of me after that episode. Which, in turn, means a little more power came into my repertoire. I can't help but draw the hypothesis that this power came from my hand gestures. I flexed, I crossed my arms, I punched the air, I put my right hand in, I put my right hand out, I put my right hand in and I shook it all about. I did it all. And now, my intricate dance of angry ballet has given me more power. Possibly enough to start eating the frozen dinners in the freezer without question.

I am raising money to fund the testing of this theory. Please donate to I only take minimum donations of $1,000. You better do it, or you might get one of my hand gestures.

Thanks for soundin' down.


A catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/; Ancient Greek: κατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well.