Friday, August 2, 2013

My Drinking Problem

This is a problem I've struggled with since I can remember. It's a burden I can't control. The regret that forms after the fact is almost unbearable, seeing as it is visible to the rest of the world. It's stained upon my clothes and written across my face. No amount of concentration, help or therapy can save me from this dark hole I've fallen into.

I have a drinking problem.

And not in the traditional sense. My drinking problem revolves around one thing: spilling.

I spill everything.


I have one of those Kleen Kanteen things that everyone raves about. Sure it looks cool and sports Chipotle down the side, but the opening is terrifying. It's very open. So there I am, sitting at my desk, about to take in what's good for me, water. I slowly lift the canteen to my thirsty lips, angle a delicate poor, as spilling is nothing new, and start to drink it in. I'm very thirsty, I realize, and take in a little more. And that's when it happens. I got cocky. And it all came splashing over my face, down my front, and into my crotch.

I quickly try to wipe as much up with my bare hands and frantically glance around to make sure no one is watching. No one's eyes are looking, but that guy in the corner of the office yells, "Saw that."

Good times.

Not a week later, I had a regular plastic water bottle. Plastic. Cap. What are the problems? I reach for the mouse of my computer and accidentally nudge the bottle. It's 80% less plastic frame collapses almost immediately and this is when I realize I forgot to replace the stupid cap. Water floods everywhere. Also fun fact, water and electronics don't mix.

You may feel as though there are other options to be explored for this on-going issue I face. Change your cup, you say condescendingly. Well, don't give me too much credit. I thought of that too.

Take, for instance, those fountain drinks you get at any restaurant.

Fool proof right? You get the cup, fill it with ice, pop (yes it is pop and nothing else, America), add the lid, slide in the straw, and bam!, you got yourself a spill-proof drink.

Give this task to me, and the spill options become, yes, a little less obvious, but still endless.

I follow the steps carefully. I take the drink to my seat to enjoy my meal and it's a success. Until I finish and pick up my cup. The liquid sitting in the cup softens the walls. When this happens, the walls bend and the damn lid pops off. Then guess what happens.. liquid is running down your hands, probably all over the floor and your feet. Now everything is sticky.

Scenario #2: I have one of those kick ass Tervis cups, as well. (It is now I realize I have all the trendy and quality drinking options, yet I've still defied their expectations.) I like to drink chocolate milk on the way to work. Please disregard any comments on not being an adult until later. Its has a sliding lid, like most coffee thermi. Yet, when you snap it, small, but mighty, explosions of chocolate milk go EVERYWHERE--my legs, the seat, the radio, the rear view mirror. I cleaned this up weeks ago, yet found splatters of chocolate milk no doubt baked into the roof of the my car this morning.

Lastly, Starbucks.

It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to fail at Starbucks. They do everything for you. The drink, the service, the hard drugs. Okay, so no hard drugs, but it's practically Catie proof.

Please reference below.

This problem is something I've faced for years. Not to mention my problem filters into my food-eating capabilities. I found a stain on my favorite mint pants yesterday. I hadn't eaten anything yet. HOW?

Just when I thought I was alone in this sad, spilling world, I stumbled across an article someone had posted on Facebook. It was titled, "Women Spilling on Themselves."

"Yes!" I thought as I quickly clicked. Maybe this is some type of phenomena in the lady brain that creates this unspoken hole in my face I always spill through.

As it loaded and I started skimming, I only see pictures of sexy women spilling water over themselves purposely. Their shirts are drenched and see-though and none of them are wearing bras.

I am alone in this world.

And people at work probably think I'm creepy.

Thanks for soundin' down.


catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/Ancient Greekκατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well