Friday, February 7, 2014

Creepin' on Them Girl Scouts

It's Girl Scout season.

Even that was creepy.

January 22nd, 2014 kicked off Girl Scout cookie season. If you didn't know, this season is one of my favorite holidays. Yummy delicacies sold only during a limited time can make people go crazy. During this short time, Girl Scouts rake in around $800 million in cookie sales.

Obviously, these things are gold. Or crack.

As someone who use to rock the green vest back in the day, I never had a problem getting my hands on cookies, mostly thin mints, as I have no shame in saying one sleeve in the 2-sleeve package can be consumed in minutes. I shouldn't say consumed. I should say dominated. Those bitches were dominated.
Even once I was no longer a part of the organization, I never seemed to have any trouble finding them. Once I got to college, the smart Scouters knew to hit up the dorms and be able to make it rain by the end of campus. I'm also imagining cookie sales in Colorado are going to rise to all-time highs. (Yes, to the pun.)

But now, as someone who has moved 1,500 miles across the country, knowing only people my age, the cookie sales have become close to a drug deal. When you know no one with Girl-Scout-age-appropriate children, finding Girl Scout cookies not only becomes increasingly difficult, but it also becomes creepy.

It started a few months ago. Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, as he skimmed a Buzzfeed article about GS Cookies. He looked at me and said with a stone cold face, "we gotta get some Girl Scout cookies."

Because I was sort of knowledgeable on the subject, I let him know there was a specific period of time you could buy them.

Boyfriend replied, "You gotta be able to order them online."

And so a short argument took place about GS facts vs. modern technology that ended with yours truly being right (no surprise there), we both decided we would seek them out when the time was right.

Thankfully, social media let me know at 6 am the day of starting sales that the time had come. If you've never been in my Girl Scout-less position, you have no idea what is to come.

I started at the office. Given that a few people have children that age, I assumed it was an appropriate question. Turns out, asking a parent if they know any Girl Scouts with a drooling, devilish smile is creepy. I'm not thinking about your daughter, damnit! I'm thinking about those circular slices of heaven. Fortunately, they let me keep my job.

Also, it's weird to get caught pouring over all the information about Girl Scouts you can find online. I've learned to do so in the privacy of my own home, almost like pornography. Also, inappropriate to mention in this post.

Next, do not attempt to ask grocery stores if the Girl Scout will be selling cookies outside. If they aren't choosing that location, the store manger will direct you to those bullshit Keebler cookies making a mockery of thin mints. And when you yell, "THERE NOT THE SAME!" and run out in a similar fashion as Janey from Not Another Teen Movie, people will know your thin line of sanity has been erased.

These are asshat impersonators.

Long story short, I have yet to come across a Girl Scout. I urged my own sister to punch her boss' daughter and steal her cookies at the risk of losing her job and I felt no remorse. And I wasn't kidding. If anyone has any information on how to obtain either a Girl Scout or these cookies, I BEG of you to contact me directly.


Thanks for soundin' down.


catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/Ancient Greekκατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well