Friday, February 28, 2014

Look! Look With Your Special Eyes!

I'm using my blogging medium to give an update on my life, as most posts are solely about ridiculous things that happen to me or those around me. Sorry if it's not what you'd expected, although it's still ridiculous.


I've always loved this commercial. I applaud the marketing department at 1-800-Contacts at making something medical, hilarious.

What is also hilarious, I do have special eyes. Sure, they don't have x-ray vision so I can see through your clothes or laser vision so I can break down walls or a Yankee fan with one death stare, but they're special alright.

For those of you who know me, I've had some trouble with my eyes in recent years. I've been wearing glasses since the age of 4, and contact lenses since the age of 12. I'm pretty darn responsible when it come to contact wearing as well, I might add. I never sleep in them, and I use eye drops regularly and I buy the expensive one-a-day kind because they're all mis ojos can handle.

But guess what, that doesn't matter. My special eyes began their turn for the worst a few years ago. I went in with very red, itchy, and painful eyes, only to be told I had allergies. Nothing a daily dose of Allegra couldn't solve.

And then about a year ago, my special eyes took a real hit. Devastating redness, too painful to open, gross goopy stuff that was just seemingly everywhere. It wasn't good. When Boyfriend drove me into the eye doctor, they informed me I had ulcers on my corneas in both eyes. They also informed me I had been taking allergy medicine every day for no reason. (That's healthy, right?) Basically, this means it was just a really deep infection. I was given a strict regimen of 3 various drops, eye gel (who knew?), and a daily clean with baby shampoo. Also, I had to wear my glasses for 2 months and if I decided to wear contacts, only for short amounts of time, no more than 6 hours.

I looked totally smart at the gym with my giant glasses, everyone said so. Just kidding, I looked like an idiot. Regardless, after two long months, they improved.

So a few days ago, my eyes started it up again. Redness. Itchiness. Painfulness. Bleh. So, instead of waiting for it to get worse, I made an early move. Headed into a new eye doctor, and paid out of pocket for the visit because of this office's reputation.

The usual happened. Explain all your medial history, blah blah blah, what's the issue? Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. The next thing I know, the doctor is doing the all-too-familiar orange-dye-in-the-eyes-under-the-black-light bit. I had another double eye infection. The doctor informed me it would take 5 days of an opthalmic antibiotic to clear up, no contacts for a minute, and lots of washing my hands.

And then.. he paused.

"There is something I wanted to go back and check."

After another round under the black light, he had a surprised look on his face. Usually, this isn't a good sign. And in this case, it certainly wasn't.

Up until this point, this doctor was joking around with me. It was an immediate liking I took to him and he made the visit very enjoyable.

He looks at me and says, "in my 30 years of practice, I've never seen that." He then went on to tell me I had what was called an Acanthomoebic scar on my left eye. The evidence was a corneal ring infiltrate. And after me nodding, I admitted that I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. So, he Googled it for me. And it was horrific. Just horrific. After explaining what it was caused by (not-quite-up-to-par tap water, or in my case, the underground aquifer in the great state of Nebraska), we joked at how terrible it looked and some of the eyes on the screen.

He then said, "you are very lucky to have your sight."

It's funny being told something this drastic that should have a deep affect on you in the midst of a joking conversation.

Do I laugh? Do I smile? Am I supposed to be more serious? I imagine my face was a mesh of opposing emotions as I was unsure what to say.

He broke it down via a poorly drawn eye (doctors not only have terrible handwriting, but they draw as though they are experiencing a seizure.) The scar was not active (whew) but grew due to the deep infection I had last year (ulcers). And I was fortunate to get the medical attention when I did, because once the ring grows to cover your pupil, and mine was teetering on the edge, you lose your sight.

Um, holy shit?

It's one of those things that scares the shit out of you, but you smile and crack some joke about how your lucky and snag a grape jolly rancher from the jar and now all you can talk about is jolly ranchers and you look like an idiot. Fortunately, this doctor could sense my uncomfortable behavior and relieved the room with more good humor.

So, I'm not blind, thankfully. And I've never had a weirder drive home. Look at the trees! Look at the ocean! Look at that homeless man pushing his shopping cart! Everything was brighter, and shinier, and just better.

So, sorry for the long update, but there you have it. I have special eyes. Special, sometimes asshole-ish, but still-in-use eyes. The cure to stop these eye infections is LASIK. And because I'm a poor human still paying off student loans, my Catie Needs LASIK fund has been officially opened. If you want to make a deposit directly to me, I'm taking minimum donations of $5000. Thanks, guys.

Thanks for soundin' down.

P.S. Boyfriend informed me that if I was blind in one eye and had no arms or legs he would still date me. Totally acceptable question.

..........

catechism ( /ˈkætəkɪzəm/Ancient Greekκατηχισμός from kata = "down" + echein = "to sound", literally "to sound down" (into the ears), is a summary or exposition of doctrine, traditionally used inChristian religious teaching from New Testament times to the present.[1] Catechisms are doctrinal manuals often in the form of questions followed by answers to be memorized, a format that has been used in non-religious or secular contexts as well