Monday, January 12, 2015

Hi, I'm Daria.

Saturday morning, I nervously sat in the dentist office waiting room. Sure, my appointment was at 10:45, but, like any doctor, I waited for about 30 minutes before going back. Property Brothers was playing on the television, so I didn't mind too much.

The dentist chair had begun to recline as a rubber triangle, bulging with many tubes was strapped to my nose. The laughing gas. The best part of my day.

He made small talk with me. "What do you do? What brought you to California? etc. I could literally feel the laughing gas hit me from head to toe.

I asked him how long it would take and he asked, "How long will you give me?"

"Less than 10 minutes?" I suggested rather meekly and paired with a shoulder shrug.

"How about less than 5," he said with the confidence of a frat boy that had never had to pay bills.

I'm fairly certain it took less than two minutes. A few quick, unpleasant shots of novocaine, some pressure in the back of my mouth, and my last wisdom tooth was out.

It may have been the gas, but I very loudly exclaimed, "Holy shit, that was impressive!" The open layout of their dentist office made it so everyone else could hear it too.

So, Blake picked my swollen face up and took me to get the prescription mouthwash and potatoes. Potatoes you ask? Well, if you've been keeping up with my blog, you've seen that I've committed to a diet called Whole30, in which you don't eat anything with added sugar. So, what would you eat that's mushy and pudding like when you can't chew?

Applesauce? Butterscotch pudding? Ice cream?

Well, guess what! I can't have any of those. So for the last three days, I have been bathing in mashed potatoes. The only mushy and filling thing I've been consuming. It's been a very interesting, bland, and mashed journey.

But Saturday night, we had a party! And I, somehow, was able to participate. So my friend, Shan, brought Whole30 approved meatballs that I couldn't wait to dig into. But, because I couldn't open my mouth very far, I had to mush them and eat them with a sideways face, to be sure to steer clear of the gaping hole in my mouth. Don't worry, I got laughed at.

The worst part about all of this, was greeting people who came to the party. Because I couldn't smile or talk through unclenched teeth, I looked rather emotionless.

"It's so good to see you. Thanks for coming." without a smile or any emotion makes you look like April Ludgate, or Daria.

Eventually, I tried smiling with only my eyes, which only resulted in me looking like a crazy person. At some point, I told someone I had gotten Botox earlier that day, hence the lack of expression.

Every photo taken had bright, beaming, and happy faces of those celebrating a 30th birthday, and I'm like Zoolander thrown into the mix. Let's play a little game of Ispy.

Admittedly, this one turned out great and afterwards, I vowed to never smile again.

Regardless, the dentist did a great job, my face is healing, and I've surprised myself with my ability to commit to a party.

Thanks for soundin' down..

P.S. If anyone can fill me in on how to get laughing gas delivered to your home, it would be greatly appreciated.